Untitled 1

This is the first of what may be quite a few blog titles that aren’t
really anything more than experiments and journal entries. Nothing
particularly important will show up in an Untitled blog. Read it or
don’t. I won’t be offended ^_^

The past few days have been a bit like that old story of the frog at
the bottom of the bucket or hole trying to get out; two inches forward,
one inch back. It’s progress, but the slow and arduous kind. It’s
what I’m making. Slipping up doesn’t begin to cover how close I
always seem to be to regressing, to going right back to the state of
mind I was in before I was rudely awoken by that play and my overall
trip to Grove City.

At first, I wasn’t sure I actually had a resistance to applying for
jobs. I thought (in earnest) that the reason I had not been applying
was a general absence of opportunity. I thought also that I’d kinda
gotten burned out by the searching and coming up empty-handed. Sure,
I’d failed to apply for jobs for which I was unqualified, but those
jobs weren’t even necessarily chances anyway (considering the lack
of qualification). But a genuine desire not to work? Was that

Evidently, yes.

I didn’t really get that until this morning, when amongst all the new
motivation to do, to be, I realized I was avoiding the folder
of job links I’d bookmarked last night during a casual perusal of
Monster copywriting listings. Jobs I had personally recommended to
myself. . .and here I was, ignoring them. Fighting them.

It’s frightening, really. And I don’t know whether it’s come about
because of months. . .no, as of yesterday, one year of not having
work, or because it’s some innate slothfulness within me. But either
way it’s there, I’ve found it, and now the question is how to kill it.

While I work on that, I have been killing a few other things in my life.
Figuratively speaking. This morning I walked for almost two miles, and
I realized that for all the complaining I’ve done about how boring
going for a run in Pawling would be it’s really rather idyllic. Sure,
my heart may change a bit as real New York summer comes into swing —
I’ve always hated the heat — but by then the pool will be welcoming
and the routine will (hopefully? no, let’s own this, definitely) be
established and I may even gasp! be jogging. Also, Joshua
will be home and as he’s already taken to running at school, I’m
looking forward to a bit of accountability in that department. In
all departments, really.

The other thing I’m happy about is this, this right here. Not just the
writing — though that too — but the fact that yesterday I began the
far-too-long-in-the-making task of teaching myself HTML (and, in time,
CSS and Java). This entire blog is written in a blank text document
and being formatted entirely with html tags. It’s not much — only
a couple hours of rudimentary skeleton for starters — but it’s more
than I could have done two days ago, and I’m grateful for that.

Anyhow, I’ve rambled enough for now, but I just wanted to throw out a
little update for the few who care.


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