New ride celebrates joys of debauchery, non-consensual sex

Earlier this morning the Walt Disney Company unveiled the latest attraction at its Florida theme park, called “Pirates of the Caribbean,” to much applause. Park owner Bill Jacobson delivered the opening remarks:

“We’ve always thought of pirates as an ideal role model for children, the way in which they stay true to their hearts as they steal everyone’s stuff and force themselves on women.”

“Pure childhood ecstasy right there.”

The attraction, a slow-moving boat ride through a cave full of singing thieves and murderers, is sure to be a big hit when it opens to public audiences this November.

“I mean, what parent wouldn’t want his kids to grow up to be pirates?” wondered Kyle Zimms, a beaming father of three. “Sure, there’s the cruelty and torture stuff, but really, it’s all about living life to its fullest, you know?”

Not all parents are as optimistic. Kim Welther, mother of two young girls, is worried that the ride will send mixed messages: “I was going to watch Peter Pan with the kids before vacation, but now I’m not so sure. I don’t think they’re old enough to understand the difference between bad pirates like Captain Hook and good pirates.”

“You know, the ones that would have burned our house down and ripped them screaming from my arms,” she clarified.

To accompany the ride’s announcement, Disney has released the soundtrack on iTunes. “Yo Ho (A Pirate’s Life for Me),” having already broken the Top Ten, is an exuberant paean, perfect for children’s parties or fraternity events with 40% of its lyrics consisting merely of the command to imbibe.

Addressing possible concerns that the attraction may not be appropriate for children, Jacobson sighed. “You know, it’s a legitimate concern. The ride is pretty dark, and the animatronics are pretty advanced.”

“Moving skeletons might be a bit much for the little tykes, I guess,” he added, before walking away singing “We kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot” softly to himself.